A Fly on the Wall
by Suze

 

We all know that Methos, Duncan, Amanda and Joe don't belong to me. They belong to the corporate suits at Rysher and Panzer/Davis who will never appreciate them the way we do, but who are good sports about it. They are used without permission, and not for profit, but with a great deal of personal satisfaction.  This is rated PG-13. In fiction, as in life, sometimes there's not any real sex, just a lot of bitching and moaning about it.


(One afternoon in the loft)

"I can't believe you did this."

"Get over it MacLeod."

"Get over it? Is that all you have to say for yourself?"

"No. Actually I have quite a bit more to say, but trust me, you don't want to hear any of it."

"I'm sure I don't, but you're going to tell me anyway, aren't you, Methos."

"That depends."

"On what?"

"On whether or not you're planning to put down that sword anytime soon."

"Oh, I'm thinking of putting it somewhere, but 'down' wasn't exactly what I had in mind."

"Oh please, we both know you're not going to....Well, wasn't that special. How much do you think it's going to cost you to have that sofa recovered?"

"I think I'll let you pay for it."

"Dream on, Highlander. You play slice and dice with your furniture, you pay for it."

"Shit. I am not going to be distracted this easily. Methos, how could you do this? What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking how much fun it would be."

"Fun! You betray your best friend because you think it'll be fun?"

"Betray? Isn't that a bit strong, MacLeod?"

"Methos, you went to bed with Amanda!"

"First of all, we never actually made it to the bed, and second, so what?"

"So what? So what!?"

"Mac, if all you do is repeat what I say I'm definitely going to get all the best lines."

"Methos, Amanda is mine!"

"Yours? MacLeod, I assure you, I looked very closely. I didn't see your name anywhere on her oh-so-delectable person."

"You know what I'm talking about. Amanda and I have an understanding."

"Well, you may have an understanding, and she may have an understanding, but I don't think it's necessarily the same one. And Amanda can be a very understanding woman when she puts her mind to it."

"Methos, I'm trying very hard to be patient here..."

"No you're not."

"No I'm not?"

"You're doing it again, Mac."

"Doing what again?"

"Repeating what I say. Do you want me to write your lines? Try this one--I, Duncan MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod, am a possessive, territorial, self-righteous....That's going to be terribly  expensive. Why didn't you just stab the sofa again?"

"Methos, explain to me exactly what happened."

"Exactly?"

"Yes, exactly."

"Well, first I put my hand...."

"Methos! I don't need the slot-A tab-B demonstration."

"Are you sure?"

"Very. Just forget it, Methos. God forbid I should be possessive or pissed off just because you had a fling with my girlfriend."

"Forget it? And give you something to brood about for the next four hundred years? Not on your life, Highlander. Now, as I understand this 'understanding' you have with Amanda, it's basically a relationship of convenience."

"I wouldn't put it like that."

"I'm sure you wouldn't, but that's how it is. You sleep with her when it's convenient for you and you're not getting any from anyone else."

"That's not true."

"Isn't it? Are you sure? You were gone for a month, Mac. Were you celibate the whole time? I'll warn you that if you say 'yes' I won't believe you."

"That's not the issue here, Methos."

"You're right, it's not. Face it MacLeod, if Amanda had slept with anyone else, you wouldn't care. It's the fact that she slept with me you can't deal with."

"Well, excuse me, but it's always a shock when your best friend stabs you in the back."

"Bullshit. I think you're just afraid of a little competition."

"Competition? From you?"

"Yes, competition from me. I've had five thousand years of practice at pleasing women MacLeod. I know what they want before they do. Don't try to tell me you've never thought about that."

"I try not to spend too much time contemplating your sex life, old man."

"Could have fooled me."

"What do you mean by that?"

"You're a bright boy, you figure it out."


(Later, across town)

"Oh, come on, Methos, it couldn't have been that bad."

"Really? How would you know?"

"Please. I've been dealing with MacLeod's moods for a long time. Take my word for it. He'll brood about it for a few days then he'll get over it."

"'Get over it' is not his favorite phrase at the moment. He says I stabbed him in the back. He says I betrayed him."

"You? Not 'we'?"

"Yes Amanda, 'me'. Happy?"

"Just relieved. No really, Methos, it means that he might be willing to listen to me."

"Don't count on it. Listening has never been one of the boy scout's strong points. Judgmental decisions and holier-than-thou self-righteousness, those he's good at."

"Methos, are you sorry you made that pass at me?"

"Pardon me? Did I hear that correctly?"

"Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it."

"Don't you think MacLeod knows you better than that?"

"Yes, but does he know you better than that?"

"Amanda, this situation is tricky enough without the two of us telling conflicting stories. If we were going to lie to Mac, we should have talked about it before now. Besides, it's too late. I've already told him the truth."

"God. Five thousand years old and the best you could do was the truth? I'm really disappointed in you, Methos."

"Sorry. What could I have been thinking?"

"Well, now we'll have to think of something else, won't we?"

"We? Read my lips, Amanda. I told him the truth. Haven't you heard? The truth will set you free."

"Gag."

"Oh, yes, tell him that. I'm sure he'll be charmed. It will certainly work better than anything I could say to him."

"Meow."

"What?"

"Nothing. Just making an observation."

"Well don't."

"Fine."

"Amanda?"

"What?"

"What are you going to tell him?"

"Words aren't how I do my best communicating with MacLeod."

"Yes, well, some of us don't have your options."

"Why not?"

"Get real, Amanda. This is Duncan MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod we're talking about. The man defines the word 'straight'.

"Are you sure about that?"

"Unless you know something I don't."

"Probably, but that's beside the point."

"Amanda, dear, you're beautiful, amusing, and delightfully limber, but if you don't stop teasing me with this I'm going to..."

"Going to what, Methos?"

"Tell MacLeod what you screamed when you came."

"Methos, you wouldn't!"

"Are you willing to risk it?"

"Okay, you win. God Methos, you're even more devious than I am."

"Thank you. Now give."

"Did you know MacLeod talks in his sleep?"

"You're kidding. Why do I suspect this is going to be really good?"

"Trust me. It is."


(Much later, even further across town)

"Regrets are wonderful for soothing the conscience, but in the grand scheme of things, they're worthless. A little forethought is a lot more constructive."

"Thank you great wise one. Do you think I don't know that? Can't you think of something useful to do here?"

"If you would come to me before you do these things instead of after, I could be a lot more helpful."

"How was I supposed to know he was going to do that?"

"Amanda, you told him to do that."

"Not exactly."

"How 'not exactly'?"

"Well, how was I supposed to know he would take me seriously. No one else does."

"Let that be a lesson to you."

"You know, you're not immortal. If I throw this bottle at you, it's going to hurt. A lot."

"Careful, you want my help with this don't you? Gratuitous threats are not the way to get it."

"How about real threats?"

"You are upset about this, aren't you."

"What ever gave you that idea?"

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's the 'much' less than perfect makeup, or it could be the unbrushed hair. But more than likely it's the fact that you're pacing up and down my living room floor at three in the morning drinking like Methos. You want to watch that; I wouldn't think death by alcohol poisoning would be very pleasant. I know I don't want to clean up after it."

"Joe, sarcasm is not on the helpful list here. I get all of that I can take from Methos."

"Don't we all?"

"Apparently Duncan doesn't."

"Yeah. You know, I'm really having a hard time wrapping my mind around the thought of Mac and Methos....Pass me the Scotch."

"Get your own."

"That is mine."

"Oh. I forgot."

"Right. I don't think Duncan is the only one who's spent too much time with the old man lately."

"Very funny."

"I thought so."

"Seriously Joe, what am I going to do?"

"What can you do? If MacLeod has decided to...explore another aspect of his sexuality, it's his business."

"'Explore another aspect of his sexuality?' Who are you, Dr. Ruth?"

"I kind of liked it. It sounds like something the old man would say. Hey, careful with that. What is it with you immortals and furniture? Next time just throw a pillow or something, okay?"

"Help me out here, Joe. This whole situation is aggravating. I feel so...so..."

"Used? Abandoned? Left out? Hey! Pillows, remember?"

"It would go a lot easier on your furniture if you would stop pissing me off."

"Obviously. Unfortunately, there seem to be a lot of sore spots in this conversation."

"Sore spots. Now there's an idea."

"Amanda, don't do something you're going to regret. Oh, sorry. Too late for that particular piece of advice, isn't it?"

"It wouldn't work anyway. Methos would never let me get near him with a sword right now, much less a cattle prod."

"You know, it occurs to me that this is probably not something you need to get so worked up about. MacLeod loves women too much for this to be more than a fling."

"You haven't seen them together, Joe. They're like two sixteen year olds. It's sick-making. They 'coo' at each other."

"'Coo'? MacLeod 'coos'?"

"I said it was sick-making. Aren't you listening to me?"

"I'm listening. I'm just having a hard time picturing it."

"Don't try. It's like that Small World song. Once it's there you can't get rid of it. Joe, they can't keep their hands off of each other. If Methos gets more than twenty feet away, Mac looks like he's going into withdrawal."

"Man, I have got to see this."

"And Methos! I have never seen anybody look that self-satisfied. Well, satisfied anyway. I can't believe I encouraged him to make a pass at Duncan."

"It was original advice, I'll give you that."

"Yes, but who knew it would work?"

 


 The End