Methos' Journal: March 1995
by Lisa Hughes


following events in the episode "Methos"

I've disappeared again. (How many times have I done that over the years? I should make a count sometime.) I need to stay away... get hold of myself again. Amazing how an unexpected rush of emotion can knock one off balance after all these years. And amazing how quickly one can pack after 5000 years of practice.

I've met Duncan MacLeod at last. I had heard of him a few times before, even made a note or two about him here in my journal when he crossed paths with acquaintances of mine, but I'd never actually met him before. The sheer physical presence of the man is overwhelming. And his eyes... so open, so untouched by bitterness. Half an hour after we met, he offered me his protection. Astoundingly quick to judge, this Highlander. And so eager to charge in and save the day... I wonder if anyone has told him that chivalry is dead?

But then, if not for his sense of honor and nobility, it would be me who was dead. I offered him my head, and he wouldn't take it. Even now the thought of that moment takes my breath away. Placing his sword at my throat and then waiting for the end to come. And he refused. Knowing that without my knowledge and strength, Kalas might beat him... and still, he refused. Amazing.

My will to survive has not been put to the test for two centuries. I've stayed hidden, become a myth. Of all the roles I've played over the long years, that was the safest. And the loneliest. It's difficult, as an immortal, to surround yourself only with mortals, knowing that they are all dying before your eyes. It begins to erode your own will to go on, when you have no contact with your own kind, and everyone around you is dying.

I told MacLeod that I didn't have the fire anymore, and at that moment I was speaking the truth. I was tired... an in-the-bones ennui that comes from watching too many people come and go. From living too long looking over my shoulder. And then, all in a moment, it changed. MacLeod's act of nobility... truly surprised me. And with that surprise, awakened all of the passion for life that I had nurtured through the years. I opened my eyes in wonder when at last I realized his decision to refuse was final. I looked into his eyes, and saw all of his compassion and resolve, his refusal to have his principles compromised, burning in them. It took a tremendous act of courage on his part not to take the surety in battle I offered him. Not to take the easy path. I haven't seen that sort of conviction in centuries.

It feels good, this... rekindling. All my life I have been the survivor. I have done whatever was necessary to live. Which is not to say there have not been other times when my long existence has felt more a burden than a pleasure. But always something has happened to shake me out of my doldrums. This time it was a someone... Duncan MacLeod.

And so, with my reawakened desire for life, I chose to act.

MacLeod asked me why I interrupted his fight with Kalas, and I told him the truth... part of it anyway. My life surely would have been in danger had Kalas beaten MacLeod. But I could have disappeared, made a new life for myself somewhere Kalas would never find me. Putting Kalas in prison has definitely given me a temporary reprieve, but... I really didn't know if MacLeod could beat him. And I wanted him to live. With the return of my old will to survive, I found that I would also enjoy this world much more with MacLeod in it. I haven't felt this strongly about another person, been so intrigued, for a long, long time. It is not gratitude... I lost that along with my conscience long ago. Oh, I am glad that MacLeod didn't take my head, and even more glad that that act jump-started my flagging will to survive. But it was neither of these things which spurred me to act to ensure MacLeod's survival... it was simply that someone who can surprise me so totally after all this time, must live. After 5000 years, there is precious little which truly surprises me... and he must live.

I don't think this latest "disappearance" will last long. I'm not ready to give up my Adam Pierson persona yet. I suppose I'll have to come to some sort of arrangement with Joe Dawson, because I'm sure MacLeod has told him my secret. But more importantly, I'm quite sure I won't be able to resist finding an excuse to see MacLeod again. He fascinates me far too much to stay away for long.

MacLeod... a study in grace. Moves like a cat -- quick, but infinitely smooth. And astonishingly clear about his principles. No, I suspect I'll find a reason to see him again, this immortal Highlander.